• Early Experiences with Caregivers Affect our Intimate Relationships
• Attachment styles stem from child relationship with parents

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• Parental divorce is related to children’s subsequent divorce likelihood
• Parental marital satisfaction is related to children’s subsequent marital satisfaction
• Parents’ relationship behavior is related to children’s subsequent relationship behavior

Stopped by being a transitional character

 Triangulation refers to a stronger relationship than a dyad.

*  When a dyad is unstable, triangulation makes stronger

• Will seek third person to relieve tension
• Usually friend parent or older children
• Reduces tension by complaining to someone else is temporary and offloads tension to third person

• Everyday exchanges between partners can either maintain or thwart the degree of intimacy in the relationship
  
  
• Model: (1) the expressions and disclosures 2) how the partner perceives and responds to them, (3) the judgments that the disclosing individual then makes about him- or herself and the relationship
• Through this process, an individual comes to believe that
• the partner understands core aspects of his or her inner self, including important needs, emotions, and beliefs
• the partner validates, respects, or otherwise ascribes value to these core aspects of one’s self
• the partner cares for and displays concern for his or her welfare
• Fig. 7.2 - p. 288

• Novel activities show to bring more satisfaction levels in marriage
• More interaction/communication and novelty is more conducive
  
  
  • Art Aaron’s Self Expansion Theory
  • More complex/more challenging/novel experiences together report more satisfaction
  • Novelty gives you opportunity to learn new things

Different types of support (emotional, invisible, etc.) (p.299)

• Emotional: _________
  
• Invisible: support the recipient does not notice
• more beneficial
• Visible: support the recipient knows he or she has received
• can be costly to the recipient’s self-esteem
  
  
• Support people perceive as available to them tends to be beneficial as they content with various stressors, whereas the support actually received is sometimes beneficial and sometimes detrimental

• Forgiveness = the lay concept that people invoke to describe the transformation that occurs when their motivations to seek revenge and maintain estrangement from an offending relationship partner diminish, and their motivation to pursue conciliatory courses of action increase

• Russell M. Nelson
• Good communication enhaced by prayer
  
• Thomas S. Monson
• Can't pray and not have good feelings about each other, misunderstandings solved through prayer
• Dallin H. Oaks
• Join hands and kneel together in prayer, pray for healing of Atonement, united prayer brings closer to each other and the Lord
  

o  Theoretical model
     Altered Perception of partner >Gratitude > Relationship Maintenance

Lambert’s study…
• gratitude expression is affecting relationship maintenance
• those who expressed gratitude were the most likely to think positively about their partner – expressing gratitude changes how you perceive your partner and higher maintenance

An individual “observes” his or her own behavior and makes attributions about the motivations after the fact

• Ex.

§  If someone goes to church each week, and then is asked if they are a religious person, they may say yes, because they are acting/behaving on religion and makes a difference in how you perceive yourself

• 5:1
• Research shows that for relationships to thrive they need 5 positive deposits to every 1 negative withdrawal
• Get out of Emotional Debt

Definiton of Conflict (Kurt Lewis)

• when one person pursues his or her goals in such a way that it interferes with another person's’ goals

• the tendency, observed in happy spouses, to respond to a partner’s negative behaviors with neutral or even positive behavior

• intra-individual perspective on aggression- an approach to explaining violent behavior between intimate partners that focuses on the enduring qualities and personal histories of each partner
• partners in relationships differ in the ways that might lead them to make different contributions to the aggression that occurs between them
• Intra-individual perspective focuses on families as the root of aggression because individuals learn in their family of origin how to behave in later relationships and stressful situations.

Proponents of an XYZ Statement

o   X- The effect on you or how you felt (Use “I” Statement)
o   Y- What the other person did… be specific
o   Z- The situation where this happened

§  Ex. “I felt embarrassed (X) when you criticized me at dinner last night (Y) in front of John (Z)

1. Use “I” or “we” to call the time out, not “you”
2. Commit to a specific time to deal with the issue later

3. Wait at least 10 minutes, but less than 24 hours

4. Use a safe way to talk so that you stay calm

• Non-verbal
• Let the speaker finish without interrupting
• Concentrate on what they are saying - stay in the present moment
• Look the person directly in the eyes
• Verbal
• Ask open-ended clarifying questions
• Use paraphrasing (reflect back what you hear in a genuine manner)
• Listen for the purpose of understanding = do not rebut

1. Long-term bliss - passion can be nurtured and developed over time
   [Relationships grow + Romance and passion are most important]
2. Storybook fantasy - passion is the result of fate or chemistry
   [Relationships are fixed + Romance and passion are most important]
3. Friends/companions - couples grow closer and more interdependent over time
   [Relationships grow + Practical concerns are most important]

4. Utilitarian involvement - relationships are like business arrangements whose terms are not negotiable
[Relationships are fixed + Practical concerns are most important]

• Internal – you are in control
• External – out of your control

Different types of partner confirmation (Gottman)

• Validating
• Steps: validation/persuasion/compromise
• Volatile
• Steps: skip validation/persuasion/compromise
• Avoidant
• Steps: “agree to disagree”
• Problems: Won’t know how to deal with real issues when they come up

Unaware
Unrealistic

Unspoken 

• Emergent - win, lose
• Cooperative - win, win; working together as a couple to meet the goals of both

Demand- Withdraw Chart

High negative skills and low negative skills

• If you have lots of high negative skills and low positive emotion= low relationship satisfaction plummets
o   Even if you have high negative skills, if you have high positive emotions, you can still have similar satisfaction

• interdependence in relationship that describes interactions between people in economic terms, with particular reference to the rewards and costs that those people perceive in their relationships and interactions with each other

• Idea that the mind evolved in response to specific selection pressures that lead some preferences and capacities to be associated with more successful reproduction, and other preferences and capacities to be associated with less successful reproduction - seeks to understand human thoughts and behaviors in terms of their adaptive functions