Criticism:

• very common in distressed relationships
• more damaging than simple complaint
• more global includes character attacks: You always...
• include global complaints: Why can't you ever do anything I ask?

Contempt:

• most corrosive
• more destructive than criticism
• include sarcasms, mockery, insult to belittle partner
• attitude conveys disdain and superiority
• one spouse is condescending
• type of scorn

Defensiveness:

• seen in a natural defense mechanism
• research shows it usually becomes a counterattack
• is ineffective b/c its a way 1 spouse to blame the other for their behavior
• takes on a childish tone with couple trying to shield themselves from personal attack and responsibility

Stonewalling:

• spouse usually men begin to stonewall by convey he or she does not want to engage and appear not to listen
• there is no eye contact
• no back channeling
• and no verbal response
• the speaker is actively ignored

4Horsemen - predictor of divorce - within 7yrs

• show complete lack of positive affect
• the couple show little affection, interest in each other
• they enclave their problem
• cost erosion of intimacy
• predictor of divorce -tend to divorce after 7-14yrs

• is hyperactive physiological excitement
• sweaty palms, increased heart rate, breathing becomes irregular/shallow
• the partner usually men cannot concentrate on the argument and is forced to walk away
• its an emergency state during conflict

patterns of marital conflict:

• more harmful is pattern of negative escalation in which negativity is responded to with more negativity
• the 2nd less harmful - when negativity is met with negativity

Validators:

• talk out their problems
• have mutual respect for each other

Volatiles:

• more explosive in handling conflict
• both partners are highly involved
• very passionate

Avoiders:

• minimize their problems to avoid conflict
• emphasize positives and ignore complaints
• they often agree to disagree

• solvable problems have a solution.
• unsolvable ones are ongoing and never get resolved
• often arise from various differences and needs
• psychosocial stressors may also arise
• couple learn to deal with the conflict

• couples willingness to yield during an argument in order to win the relationship
• by learning to find a point of yielding , even minor one, the spouse wins the desired purpose of a close relationship
• the ability to find a point of agreement in the other's position

• interactions that decreases  or prevent negative escalation
• miscommunication leads to escalation of negativity
• include apologies, humor, affection, changing the subject
• they provide a brief reprieve from the arguing
• manage the conflicts in happy couples
• happy couples give their spouses the opportunity to maneuver the argument
• unhappy couples interprets the move to deviate negatively
• ex. who cares about the stupid dvd!!!
• unhappy couple remain fixed on the argument and not allow any break

• daily interactions and bids for attention
• partner ignores spouse  and continue reading - turning away
• partner comments on birdwatching being a waste - turning against
• he momentarily turn to bird - turning toward low-level
• he enthusiastically turn to his spouse about the birds - high level turning toward
• 85% of happy couples bids were met with some kind of responses

• couple who are deeply entrenched with negative view of partner will rewrite the past
• some only remember and talk about the negative things that happened in their relationship
• able to predict stable marriage vs divorce by 88-94%
• allowed to identify buffers that appear to protect the couples from decline marital satisfaction during parenting or stressful adjustmts
• distressed couple have negative memories vs happy couple positive memories

• spouses are intimately familiar with each others world changes; history, feelings, facts, etc.

• fondness and admiration
• awareness or love maps
• glorifying the struggle
• we-ness

• negative toward spouse
• chaotic perceptions
• disappointment or disillustionment

• 67% show decline in marital satisfaction

Vulnerable couples -

•  husband tends to express negativity towards their wives
• couple view their lives as chaotic and out-of-control
• wives are vulnerable to their husbands negativity when they become parents

Resilient couples

• have high awareness or detailed love map can buffer marriage thru stressful periods
• he expresses fondness and admiration for her

New Fathers

• husband description during newlywed is predictor of continued marital satisfaction