Gottman's 4 Horseman (+1)

1. Criticism

2. Defensiveness

3. Contempt

4. Stonewalling

+1. Belligerence

Criticism

(2)

• Don't attack person as a whole
• Instead, identify the behavior and suggest ways to improve

Defensiveness

(2)

• Cuts themselves out of what other person is saying
• Just think of ways to defend themselves

Contempt

(3)

• Behavioral feeling
• Get over listening to the person
• Eye rolling and other body language

Stonewalling

(2)

• Completely ignore other person
• Leads to MORE criticism

Beligerence

(2)

• Doing opposite of what partner wants
• Contempt behavior escalates

• Report- (men) conversation aimed mainly at conveying information
• Rapport- (women) speaking to gain or reinforce intimacy

Forms of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

(2 important, 5 other)

• Sabotage- 1 partner spoils some activity the other has planned (cause they didnt want to be a part of it)
• Displacement- person directs anger at people or things the other cherishes (husbands car cause he cares too much about work/income)
• Chronic Criticism
• Sarcasm
• Nagging
• Nitpicking
• Procrastination (promised a partner you will do something

Baggage Signs

(4)

• Negative Interprations: person thinks they're hearing worst poss thing.
• Escalation: 0-60 really quick
• Put downs/Invalidation: "omg why would you think something like that!?"
• Avoidance: Know there are issues needed to be discussed but avoided

Hidden Issues

(def+ 7 ex)

Powerful issues that partners are unaware of, unable to talk about, or unwilling to talk about.

• Control and Power (whos in charge)
• Caring (do you feel loved?)
• Recognition (feel valued for who n what u r?)
• Baggage(react as if ur partner is some 1 else?)
• Commitment (is ur relationship secure?)
• Integrity(u feel challenged in how u see urself)
• Acceptance (parent of ALL hidden issues)

1 Variable Gottman found to be predictive of maritial stability and happiness + ex

The amount of positive affect in the conflict

Ex: Stable happy couples share humor, expressions of warmth, interest, and affection during conflict and it de-escalates the arguemtn

1. Commitment Safety- security of support and clear future

2. Emotional Safety- being able to talk openly and support e/o

3. Personal Safety- no fear of physical or emotional harm

• Congruent: verbal and nonverbal agree
• Incongruent: verbal and nonverbal DISagree

1. Speaker not saying what they mean
2. Incongruent messages
3. Baggage
4. Expectations (expevting trouble
5. Silence

1. Timing
2. Not permitting the situation to arise

3 Roots of Fear

(When are afraid to "let the situation arise")

1. You might have to be intimate in return
2. You might be taking responsibility for their life
3. You might hear something you don't want to about "you" or "us"

1. Focus on 1 issue, the issue at hand
2. Make it clearly observable BEHAVIOR
3. Use "I" statements (xyz)
4. Give rationale and an emotion
5. Provide a way to solve it

3 Barriers to Conflict Resolution

1. Not permitting situation to arise
2. Accusation (shame,blame, and gunny sacking)
3. Not letting person fully talk

Define Gunnysacking

Transition of Children Historically

(3 past, 3 present)

Past

• Children viewed as economic assets
• Raised by living with parents
• Shared the world of adult

Present

• Children viewed as economic liabilities
• Viewed as emotional assets
• They need special training, guidance, and care

• The lower the economic status, the more children you are likely to have.
• This is due to lack of education, not enough money for birth control

Advantages and Disadvantages of a 1 Child Family

(3 adv, 2 dis)

Advantages

• joy of having child w/o feeling overwhelmed
• more attention to the child
• better off financially

Disadvantages

• no chance to experience sibling relationships
• more pressure to succeed

Couples Happiest Times of Marriage

(4)

• Before first birth
• After last child leaves house
• More children, less happiness
• Children stablize marriage, but diminish gratification

1. Mother's Low IQ
2. Early Pregnancy (in teens)

Factors of People Likely to be Child-Free

(3)

• Highly educated, involved in careers
• First borns who took care of young siblings
• High number who chose to be remain childless change their minds with age.

Factors Reguarding Children that show Decrease in Marital happiness/satisfaction

(3)

• More kids, less happy
• Loss of freedom (change jobs, travel, pursue endeavors they find interesting)
• Decreased finances and ability to indulge in certain things

Effects of Daycare on Children

• Children thrive and become more social and independent ONLY if: 

*there is quality care (trained staff)*

*a good teacher to child ratio*

Authoritarian Parenting Style

(2 + ex)

• Low emotional nuturing and support
• High parental direction and control

Ex: "I am in charge, I make and enforce the rules"

Laissez-Fair Parenting Style

(2 + ex)

• permissive, allow children to set their own limits with little guidance
• leads to spoiled children

Ex: "I often give into my childs whining, argueing, and other demands"

Authoritative Parenting Style

(3 + ex)

• Combines emotional nurturing and support WITH parental direction
• Involves encouraging the child's individuality and accepting child's personality WHILE setting and enforcing rules and limits
• Warm, firm, fair

Ex: "I was worried cause I hadn't heard from you"

Benefits and Consequences of Delaying Child Bearing

(3+,6-)

Benefits

• Having life in order (mature, values and goals, financially stable)
• Children arn't blocking dreams
• Children get undivided attention

Consequences

• Fertility problems
• Complications with age of father/mother
• Potential increase in birth defects
• Way more of a medical event in mom's life
• Extended family distant or dead
• Leaving work and not immediately returning

No Fault Divorce

(2)

• Either party can get a divorce and property is split 50/50
• used to be you could only get a divorce if a partner was violent or unfaithful

Independence Effect

(reguarding women and divorce)

Exchange Theory

(marital happiness, barriers to divorce 4, alt to marriage)

• Spouses weigh their happiness against alternatives and barriers of divorce
• Barriers include: affections towards spouse, economic issues, religous beliefs, and children
• Alternatives to marriage: thinking about chance of remarrying

Types of Divorce

(4)

Emotional

Legal

Psychic

Community

Emotional Divorce

(3)

• Parnters withhold bonding emotions and communication
• No longer support e/o self esteem, but undermine it
• Partners feel rejected and invest in other things and live parallel lives

Legal Divorce

(2)

• Dissolution of the marriage by the state through court order terminating marriage
• purpose is to allow people to economically seperate and and be free to date/remarry

Psychic Divorce

• regaining of psychological autonomy through emotional seperation from the personality and influence of former spouse

Forgiveness

(3)

• Cancelled debt
• Giving up on percieved right to get even
• Giving up attitude, "you owe me"

Custodial Parent

(def'n + problems)

Parent who takes custody of child after divorce (usually the mother)

• Sometimes difficult to recieve child support

Non-Custodial Parent

(def'n + problem)

Parent that does not have custody of the child (usually the father)

• Must pay child support and loses spouses income so they are left hurt financially

• Life Stress
• Parental Loss (1 parent is gone from household, problems w/ love, guidance n support)
• Parental Adjustment
• Economic Hardship
• Interparental Conflict (negative outcomes a result of conflict during marriage, not divorce)

Co-Parenting Relationship Terms

(4)

• "Perfect Pals": good friends, talk occasionally, plan things together
• "Cooperative Colleagues": consult about kids only, no personal relationship. Compromise in sharing holidays, etc. 
• "Angry Associates": don't like e/o, but can work things out for good of kids
• "Fiery Foes": can't stand e/o. avoid e/o. can't work anything out without fighting

• Marital satisfaction is higher
• Family life is less satisfying because there a lot of stress between the stepfamilies

Normless Norm

(4)

• Step Families are of various types
• Kinship networks and relationships are widely varied
• Roles aren't well defined
• Family law doesn't provide protection or guidelines

• Remarried people report being HAPPIER with marriage itself (partner's attributes), but LOWER satisfaction with family life.

Papernow's 7 Stage Model to Step Family Development

1. Fantasy- adults expect smooth adjustment, kids expect stepparent to disappear and parents to reunite
2. Immersion- tension producing conflict emerges between stepfamily's 2 biological subunits
3. Awareness- family members realize their fantasies arn't becoming a reality
4. Mobilization- family members initiate efforts toward change
5. Action- remarried adults form solid alliance, family boundaries clarified, more positive interactions between stepparents and stepchildren
6. Contact- stepparent becomes more significant adult family figure, couple assumes more control
7. Resolution-the stepfamily achieves integration and appreciates unique identity as a stepfamily

Main Challenges in Stepfamiles

(3)

Financial Strains

• obligations from 1st marriage cause resentment from new spouse
• not contribbuting to stepchildren

Role Ambiguity

• roles not clearly defined
• discipline
• don't love stepchildren the same as biological

Stepchildren Hostility

• fantasies about parents getting back together
• difficulty seeing parents as romantic beings
• loyalty conflicts

Role Adjustments between Stepmothers and Stepfathers

(3 each)

Stepmothers

• thought to be more difficult
• tend to be more stressed and anxious
• conflicting expectations come with role, especially b/t stepdaughters

Stepfathers

• stepchildren tend to get along just as well as real father
• more detached or distant, shown to be essential
• problems arise over type or need for discipline