Term
| Jason - Unless the answer is I don't care, I'm going to get this wrong. |
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Definition
| (Walk in with coffee pot.) Hot, hot, hot |
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Term
| Jason - Dude, what the hell were you trying to do? |
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Definition
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Term
| Jason - What is the matter? Why were you trying to kill yourself in the first place? |
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Definition
| Because I'm heartbroken. I pledged my undying love last night at the launch party. |
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Term
| Bill - You? You break out in hives when when you ask Judith the cafeteria lady for extra pickles. |
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Definition
| I know! Something just came over me. It must have been the combination of wine spritzers and my asthma inhaler. |
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Term
| Jason - You're quite the stud, Jeff, you know that? |
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Definition
| Thanks, but somehow I felt this warm sensation spreading throughout me and then I looked across the room and I saw her, like an angel, like a sea nymph, like a hot well-draw anime girl. |
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Term
| Jason - You are talking about Judith the cafeteria lady, aren't you? |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Donna, the mustached custodian? |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Oh, Jeff, you didn't - you have to aim low, man. |
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Definition
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Term
| Jason and Bill - Then who? |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Wait a minute. You tried to pick up May Ross? Lead anchor May Ross? |
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Definition
| No...I didn't try to "pick up" May. You don't pick up a woman like May. You don't hit on a woman like May. You have to woo her. |
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Term
| Jason - Hey Jeff, the 1920s called. They'd like the word "woo" back now. |
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Definition
| You guys are so unromantic. You know what I mean. You can't just go up to a woman like May and ask her to join you in an appletini. |
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Term
| Hey Jeff, the gay pride parade called. They want their drink back now. |
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Definition
| You need to compliment her, and you put your feelings into poetic words that paint a picture as beautiful as the sunset for her. |
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Term
| Bill - So what did you say? |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
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Term
| Jason and Bill - You threw up? |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| I think it was the shrimp tray. |
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Term
| Bill - Dude, you know you are allergic to shellfish. |
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Definition
| Yeah, but I think that it might have been the wine spritzers and my asthma inhaler. So What do I do now? |
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Term
| Keith - You could start by growing a pair. The only women you say I love you to are your mother and whoever is serving you beer at half price. |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| It was like negative a billion last night! Polar bears were cuddling for warmth. |
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Term
| Keith - Too cold for you cupcake? When I was in Nam, the thermometers used to scream before they exploded from going so low. That was cold. This wouldn't even keep our beer slightly chilled. |
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Definition
| Nam? Like the tropical jungles of Vietnam? Since when did it get cold there? |
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Term
| Jason - What? Wake Up Jamestown is supposed to start in fifteen minutes. Where is everyone? |
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Definition
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Term
Bill - Wasn't there a meeting we were supposed to go to before we started?
Jason - You know, I think you are right. |
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Definition
| Running back on stage - Guys! I just looked outside on my way to the bathroom and the snow is really coming down. No one is on the streets. I've never seen anything like it. |
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Term
| Keith - Of course, you haven't Lilly. But this isn't anything compare to the siege of Leningrad in 1944. |
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Definition
| What? How were you there in 19... |
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Term
| Keith - My unit does not discuss how we were there. |
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Definition
| Were you black ops or something? |
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Term
| Keith - Black ops? I was in black ops when I was 13... my unit was darker than black. |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill (on phone) - Hello? Mr. O'Brian! Uh...yes...hello. How are you today, sir? |
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Definition
| Mr. O'Brian, the station owner? |
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Term
| Grant - Hi, Mr. O'Brian! Last night I photocopied my... |
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Definition
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Term
| Jason - We have to do the show. |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| (nose bleed, hyperventilate, pinch nose, tip head, inhaler, grab stomach) - Shrimp! (run off) |
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Term
| Jason - Well, not in so many words. The way he put it included descriptions of my no-nos and a way to see exactly what the shrimp is doing to Jeff. |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Okay, since I'm the only one with acting experience, I should be head anchorman. |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| Yeah, but she's done other things since then. Like ACT! |
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Term
| Jason - Okay, you can be the anchorman. Jeff can you do the weather. |
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Definition
| Not with my lambago the way it is... |
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Term
| Jason - Reporting weather, Jeff. Can you read the temperatures? |
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Definition
| Gotcha, yeah, I can do that. |
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Term
| Keith - And what are you gonna do with Hippy Longstockings over here? |
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Definition
| Well...the only other things on the list are the local business spotlight. |
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Term
| Oh! Cool! I sell stuff. All sorts of stuff! I can talk about my special bags of... |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| That leaves the roving reporter. |
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Term
| Grant - Awesome! What's that? |
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Definition
| You go out, find people and ask them a question. Can you handle that? |
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Term
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Definition
| Okay, I can't tell if he said yes. |
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Term
| Bill - Would you rather have him here giving step-by-step instructions on how to make your own crystal meth? Besides, there's no one out on the streets - this will just keep him busy while we do the hard work. |
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Definition
| Okay, well, that settles it. We'll worry about the guests for the second half of the show later. |
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Term
| Jason - I don't know what your unit needed in Jersey. |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - We've got one minute - let's do this! |
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Definition
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Term
| Grant - You have kind eyes. |
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Definition
| (Pull JASON AWAY FROM GRANT) Bill, just keep your eyes on the teleprompter and you'll be fine. The pedal on the floor controls speed that the words scroll. You are in control. |
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Term
| Bill - ...sitting in for May Ross who is unable to join us his morning. |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - ...triple the price to hoity-toity celebrities who are in the market for chic hairless pets. |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Fire investigators are baffled as to the cause. Arson, electrical failure and environmental causes have all been ruled out. Most puzzling is overpowering odor at the scene closely resembling bad seafood. |
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Definition
| (grab stomach and butt and run off stage) |
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Term
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Definition
| Give me a break - Jesus, etc. |
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Term
| Bill - I needed a catchy anchorman name. |
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Definition
| How many do you need? And what happened to Flex Chestly? |
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Term
| Jason - Do you need to try them on during a live broadcast? |
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Definition
| And seriously, dude, "I'm Phil Apeeno?" |
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Term
| Jason - ...Jeff, stand by. You're up after the first story. |
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Definition
| (takes a nervous puff on inhaler) |
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Term
| Bill - Now for a look at sports with our very own Lyle Getsnun. Lyle... |
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Definition
| (stares motionless at camera) |
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Term
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Definition
| (Kicked by Bill) - Thanks, Chip. It was a busy day in sports yesterday - it seems that everyone was playing with balls. Our local basketball, indoor soccer, wrestling and water polo teams all saw competition yesterday. All together they scored 325 points to the opponents 263 - good job to all of you. In NASCAR news, everyone turned left a buttload of times. |
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Term
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Definition
| And finally, our local cornhole tournament was an incredible success. Over 50 teams gathered at the YMCA to toss their nut sacks. The winning team of Chester Timmons and Earl Myers, or as they're known around the competition, "Jimmy Cracks Cornholes," went undeafted and are moving on to the state semi-finals. Cornhole enthusiasts feel these guys will make short work of their opponents at the state level as well. Timmons, a colonoscopy specialist by trade who apparently really knows his way around the cornhole circuit, stated after the victory that everyone should keep him in mind for their cornhole fantasy... team. |
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Term
| Bill - So it sounds like they may have a shot at the championship this year. |
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Definition
| Yes, they certainly (starts crying) MAY. (deep breath, pathetically) I love you! |
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Term
| Bill - Lyle, how about midget football... Lyle? |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Midget Football. You know the little shrimpy kids. |
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Definition
| (Stop crying, grab stomach and butt and run off stage) |
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Term
| Jason - How the hell do you think it is, Chip? |
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Definition
| (run on stage and man the beeper) |
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Term
| Bill - Coming up next is our local business spotlight, so don't go away. I'm Brock Lee and we'll be right back. |
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Definition
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Term
| Keith - By reason of being too awesome. |
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Definition
| (cautiously) All right, Keith. You're up. |
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Term
| Keith - Europe? Of course you'd get excited about Europe - it's the mecca for pansies. |
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Definition
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Term
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Definition
| (to Keith) Okay, stay focused, act natural, and don't screw this up. |
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Term
| Keith - (gives a death stare...) |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - Introduction to interview with Sam Manilla. |
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Definition
| Thank you, Phil, I think. Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure with sitting here with one of the cornerstones of our community, Mr. Sam Manilla. Thank you for joining us today. |
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Term
| Jason - run down of problems so far (bipolar disorder, etc) and then phone rings... |
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Definition
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Term
| Jason - Talking to the mayor |
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Definition
| (Enter and look over his shoulder at a notepad) |
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Term
| Grant - smashes teleprompter |
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Definition
| (Wallks to carnage, gets bloody nose, wipes finger, sees blood, runs off) |
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Term
| Keith - That was louder then when we stormed Des Moines |
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Definition
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Term
| Jason - Why do I feel your parents would tell us the same thing? |
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Definition
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Term
| Bill - (repeating Jason) - Ten Seconds! |
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Definition
| (run to control table with Jason) |
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Term
| Bill - (Listening to Jason) - MAY or MAY not include efforts from |
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Definition
| (silent) MAY, I Love You! (Vomit) |
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Term
| Bill - ...and if you add a zip code, you'll have an envelope. |
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Definition
| Okay, we've cut to the mayor's speech. That should be running for about 15 minutes. Why don't you all go help yourselves to some refreshments while we figure out how to do the second half of the show. |
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