3 kinds of commitment

1. attachment-emot. & phys.- i love you, spending time together

2.promise- commitment is speech act- wedding, vow renewal

3. dedication- staying through challenges and      difficulties

describe have to, ought to, want to

have to- no alternatives, can't leave

want to- desire to stay long term

ought to- moral obligation, others expectations

how does self disclosure change over relationship's history?

goes up, plateau's, then drops off

8 types of rituals

1. celebrations- holidays & occasions widely practiced        

2. traditions- relat. specific-bdays, watch fball once a week

3.patterned interact.-everyday events                                                  

a.idiomatic-pet names,baby talk                                             

b. ritualized play-teasing, contests, little games         

c.symbolic places, objects- fav. song, fav restaurant

d. everyday practices-cooking dinner together           

e. comm rituals- way you end phone call                          

which parent does child disclose more to?

mother

permeability continuum

low-not a lot of people let in- cant tell people

high- can tell people

who has  higher level of satisfaction, pure or mixed marrage types?

pure because they are both on the same page

know about privacy research

2 studies

1. goldsmith and baxter-genres study

- gossip, joking around, catching up, making plans, small talk

2. planalp close friendship study

-continuity talk-past present, future

-mutual frienship talk-gossip

-mutual knowledge- common knowledge

co-ownership rules

can person tell others?

how much?

whom?

which pure type of marriage has the highest level of reported satisfaction?

they are all the same!

factors related to strategic deception

-greater behavioral control

-motivation to appear credible

-experience more arousal & cognitive load which they leak:

      -signs of arousal-blinking, enlarged pupils

      -increased speech errors and hesitations

      -higher voice pitch

      -descrepencies b/t verbal and nonverbal change

net advantage to deceiver because although these leak, they

become more strategic!

grice's 4 maxims

baseline expecations we hold about talk

1.quality-tell truth as you know it

2.quantity-tell neither too much or too little

3. relevance-tell what's relevant to topic

4. clarity-speak with maximum clarity

know about violations of grice's 4 maxims

a deceptive message intentionally violates these

violation of:

1.quality- the lie itself

2. quantity- exaggerating, understatement, omission

3. relevance-topic shift

4. clarity- equvocation, ambiguity, vagueness

know about social-meaning approach to social influence

-persuasion guided by rules of appr. conduct for individual and relationship identities

-more focus on exchange b/t persuader & target through time

      -not just one-shot message choice by persuader-target proactive not just reactive

       -target cooperative not hostile

difference between survivors and nonsurvivors in first big fight

survivors:

-conflict is inevitable

-relationships require effort and problem solving

non-survivors:

-confusion about relationship after discovering unknown features about partner & experiencing problematic interaction

2 basic dimensions of psychological abuse

affect (self-esteem)

control

differences between

CCV (common couple violence)

and

PTV (patriarchal terror violence)

CCV                                                                                             PTV

-equal parts male and female                    -mostly men

-more frequent                                                        -not as often

-both people reciprocate                                   -woman retaliates in self defense

-doesnt escalate                                                    -escalates

-more episode-specific                                      - explanation lies in societal

                                                                                           discourses of patriarchy

demand-withdrawal

pattern

3 orderly approaches to breakups

1. reversal hypothesis

2. staircase model

3. 4-phase mode

reversal hypothesis

- breakup is like a relationship movie shown in reverse

-behaviorally: reduction in breadth, depth of self-disclosure

-emotionally: other ceases to be rewarding

- cognitively: return of the stranger

Duck's 4-phase model of breaking up

1. intrapsychic-inside each partner's head-reassessment of partner

2. dyadic- partners discuss the state of relat. and reach decision to break up

3. social- partners inform social network

4. grave-dressing- after the fact sense-making; moving on

predictors of post-dissolution friendship

1. friends before romantic relationship

2. breakup bilateral not unilateral

3. leaver used direct tactics that gave reasons and saved face

4. leaver is male

unilateral vs mutual breakups-

left and leaver roles

-unilateral: disorderly; 68% with leaver and left

-bilateral: orderly           

direct disengagement strategies

-positive tone: explicit statement of breaking off relationship with face-saving for other

-justification: explicit statement of breaking off with honest reason-giving

indirect disengagement strategies

1. de-escalation: call for 'temporarily' cooling off the relationship with face-saving for other

2. negative identity management: a call to date others just to 'be sure'

3. behavioral de-escalation: avoidance,                  withdrawal from interaction

most frequent trajectory toward breakup

 most are unilateral with leaver & left

-unilateral prolonged indirectness- down spiral

-unilateral abvivalent indirectness- crazy spiral

ripple effect

breakup ripples through social network

-subsequent relationship pairs also break up

Wish et al.'s dimensions of relationships

1. cooperative-friendly vs. competetive-hostile

2. equal vs unequal

3. intense vs superficial

4. socioemotional-informal vs task-oriented-formal

types of common couple violence

1. abusive-scaled down patr. terror; systemic; one or both ppl seek dominance-weekly severe aggr.

2. violent-systemic; 1 or both seek dominance; weekly sever aggr.

3. aggressive- episode-specific; 1 or both seek dom; bi-monthly high aggression

4. combatative-episode-spec.; 1 or both get overly upset- yearly low aggression

2 disorderly approaches to break-up

Hagestad & Smyer's 3 levels of emeshment:

1.emotional attachment to partner

2. attachment to the role or persona of partner

3. attachment to daily habits or routines

ammendment: 4. affective vs. cognitive embesh.

Baxter's Flowchart Model of Breakup:

lots of different pathways!

KV stages: Characteristics

1. differentiation

             -the move to 'i'

                 -focus on differences

                 -increase in destructive conflicts

2. circumscribing

                 -decrease in frequency  of interaction, breadth & depth of tak

3. stagnating

                 -standstill

                 -sense of 'what's the point' of talking

4. terminating

                - the final goodbye

diagram- 5 factors that predict commitment

investment                                                                                                network support

(have to)                                                                                                            (ought to)

       (+)                                                                                                                          (+)

                                                            staying together

relationship quality                   alternatives                         love for partner

          (want to)                               (have to)                                     (want to)

                  (+)                                                 (-)                                                    (+)

how is commitment communicated?

-through rituals

-have to, ought to, want to

-through dialogue

characteristics of effective comforting

1. talking about feelings

2.talk about the value of the person being helped

3.signals that underscore the authenticity of the helper's responses

research on deception detection

1. depaulo & Kashy- college data

 -deceive less as relat. closeness increases

 -self-oriented vs. other/relationship-oriented are the 2 motives for deception

 -self-centered deception less as relationship closeness increases

2. accuracy 54%-only that high b/c they knew some would be lying

McDonald's resource theory of power

-power situated in individual

-normative resources-legit auth. based on social expecations

    -affective resources-ability to give love, affection, caring for each other

    -personal-attractiveness, competance, interp. skills, personality

    -cognition- quality of insights, thoughts, processes

    -economic-access to money, material possessions

Foucault's theory of power

-power located in dominant discourses

-target proactive

-way things are

-Social meaning perspective

Social -meaning perspective

• persuasion is a social undertaking guided by rules of appropriate conduct for individual and relationship identities
• saving face
• more focuses on exchange b/t persuader and target thru time- not just a one shot message
• target proactive, not reactive
• target cooperative, not hostile

Social-influence tactics

verbal influence strategies:

• adversive stim-whining, crying, pouting, etc
• manipulation- guilt/shame
• withdrawal
• deception
• criticism-insulting, blame
• threats
• force

statement labeling

simply the identification of a statement as a fact, feeling, or inference-

inference not labeled:

a-i saw your car parked in front of his house

b-oh ya? did you check the glove compartment for my registration? or maybe the serial number?

labeled:

a. i saw a car like looked like yours parked in front of his house and assumed it was yours

b. well you assumed wrong. it wasnt mine

paraphrase ground rule

-repeating what the person said back to them before stating your own opinion

mindreading

-the assumption of complete knowledge of the other person's thoughts and motives

content and procedural knowlege components of communication competence/effectiveness

• content- knowing WHAT
• procedural-knowing HOW
• effectiveness/competence is NOT AN ABSOLUTE matter but is relative to what perspective you adopt
  

4 approaches to communication competence

• expectancy
• hierarchical
  
• attributional
• social-dialectical
  

Expectancy approach

• key theme: social appropriateness
• meeting expectations of others-please others
• content-know what are you to expect
• proc-what actions are needed to fulfill expectations?
• competence-ability to respond to expectations

Hierarchical approach

• rehearsal-be strategic; plan ahead
• key theme: goal and plan
• competence: ability to achieve goals efficiently and smoothly
• content: goal formulation: what do i want to achieve?
• proc.: plan formatin: how to best accomplish goals; plan complexity: contingency-based; online monitoring of plans: adaptation of emergemnt situation; implementing actions in timely and smooth manner
  

Attributional theory

• agency and responsibility
  
• key theme: locus of control
• competence: ability to analyze and act on other's attributions of one's actions
• content: situational analysis:how are others attributions my actions? to me or the sitation?
• proc.: knowing when & how to take/deny responsibility for actions
  

social dialectical approach

• we're struggling together in discourses!
• key theme:  contradiction
• competence: joint ability to negotiate competing discourses
• content: knowing that life is complicated w/ contraictions
• proc.: joint action options:

     -creating authoritative discourses

          -segmenting by time or domain which discourse will be primary, which secondary          -strategic ambiguity          -synergistic engagement

why do taboo topics in friendships and romantic relationships exist? what is the function of privacy and topic avoidance?

what are the 6 taboo topics?

- it protects self, others, and the relationship

1. extra-relational activities
2. relationship rules
3. previous relationships
4. negative self-disclosures
5. problem isses from past
6. state of relationship
   

how is the social-meaning perspective different from the traditional approach?

-it is an exchange between 2 people

-the target is proactive not reactive

-its not trying to battle and dominate with the persuader-its cooperative

the recency effect

-even if the deceiver starts off rocky and the person doubts them, if the last thing the person sees/hears makes them believe them temporarily, they won't think of how they didnt believe them at first

-listener only pays attention to the last thing they heard and whether or not the believed them

what is the difference between a rupture and incrimental decay

-rupture violates a relationship rule that the relationship is built on

example: trust

-the difference is in what kind of rule is broken

What characterizes the communication in distressed couples?

• more negativity and sarcasm
• engaged in more:
• cross-complaining loops critizice communication skills
• more metacommunication loops
• more proposal-counter loops

Chamber of horrors

• extremes

1. helpful-critical
2. active-passive
3. aggressive-evasive
4. dominating-submissive
5. certain-provisional

Helpful-critical

(chamber of horrors)

helpful:

-one instance is when someone insists on giving help when the other doesn't need or request any help

-2nd is when one requests help,  and other person agrees to help but doesn't deliver
ex-helping tell a funny story

Critical:

-usually raw negativity

-if there is a chance of finding a flaw, and there usually is, it is found and brought up

-variation  can be when the first person's complaint is countered with a complaint by the second person

-2nd variation is when the criticism is frozen in time: uses the past as a weapon to prove "you'll always be who you used to be"

Active-passive patterns

(chamber of horrors)

active:

- equivalent to something like a siamese twin; always with you

- interactions char. by high degree of talkativeness, extraversion, a never-ending list of questions, intense involvement in almost every topic

passive:

-person withdrawn, uninvolved, and introverted

-can only appear at certain times like when a sensitive topic is brought up

-or can be more characteristic of a person's general communicative style

-ex. can be someone dramatizing need to withdraw by announcing departure at an innapropriate juncture-saying 'im going to bed' in the middle of another person's statement

Aggressive-Evasive Patterns

(chamber of horrors)

Aggressive:

-very straighforward, person takes full responsibilities for their messages

-hassling sequence-repartee,cliche, name calling, provocatin, psychological degeneration

-hostility and control

Evasive:

-less direct: tangents, misdirection, vagueness, confusion

-changing focus of responsibility-distract, divert attn away from self

-changing direction of conversation-topic shift

-changing level of convo-shifting from specific analysis to more general, abstract one or going from serious-joking or vice versa

-sending incongruous messages-2 simultaneous messages that comm. 2 very different things-sarcasm

Dominating-submissive patterns

(chamber of horrors)

dominating:

-person plays constant game of winning and losing

-life a continual parade of competition where one person wins pwr n one loses

-tries to become main source of important rewards & punishments-for pwr

-asserts 'expertise' on all topics

-sees people as merely inferior or superior- strong or weak

submissive:

-exaggeration of dependency, doesn't like responsibility, puts down self

-"im not ok if youre not ok"

certain-provisional patterns

Certain:

-a know it all

- know about everything about something

-denies importance of other people's perceptions

-self-fulfilling prophecy:  the process of predicting an outcome brings about that outcome-begins with false definittion of situation

Provisional:

-person constantly uncertain, provisional, expresses qualification

-wont say anything for sure

-closure rare-tasks and decisions left up in the air