Listening is natural

Listening is passive 

You are a good listener when you try

Listening is just about words 

All listeners recieve the same message

Hearing 

Attending (focusing on the sound)

Understanding (assigning meaning)

Remembering

Responding 

You listen with the other person in mind

Time is not an issue

builds up the relationship 

You listen to get something accomplished 

Efficiency is important 

you are more focused on time than anything else

Emotion is not very involved 

Efficiency is also very important 

Staying attentive 

Showing your listening with non verbal ques

Not actually saying anything 

Asking for additional information 

We reflect back to the speaker what they are feeling

We want to feel what they are feeling to better relate

Supporting 

We reflect to the speaker what we feel about the situation

"aggreeing with what the other person is saying"

When you offer your interpretation of what was said

"So this is what I see happening" 

Offer an appraisal of what was said 

This where you offer advice to what was said. 

Most common form of responding 

This is what you should do 

sybolic 

arbitrary 

context bound 

culturally bound

abstract or concrete 

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Bottem line is arbitrary 

(the relationship between the word and the thing) 

Language is not just a way of saying something it is a way of doing actions 

Doing one action while seeming to do another 

Are you hungry? (seen as an offer for food) 

Indicate what we think the other person should or will do next 

(Hello walk, "hey how are you" you expect "pretty good how are you")

The language others use influence how we percieve reality

(if your friends swear alot you will probably swear more)  

Bypassing 

Bafflgab 

Lack of precision

Allness

Static evaluation 

Polarization 

Biased language 

Bypassing 

Using abstract language 

Jargon

Lack of specific direction 

"where is the ball, it's over there! vs its in the lawn on top of the chair" 

All mexicans mow lawns 

you are always on your phone 

An all encompassing statement 

A statement that fails to recognize change 

People never change 

"your a really messy person" 

Evaluate in extremes 

either REALLY good or REALLY bad 

racist language 

those gays are really gay 

Women: less asertive, insecure, emotional, longer sentencees 

Men: I, direct statements, fragmented sentences 

§  Moves in small increments
·      We reveal a little bit about ourselves at a time
§  Moves from less personal to more personal
·      Start out with superficial to more personal things
§  Is reciprocal
·      Diatec affect
o   I disclose something then you do
o   Unwritten rule (we do it all the time)
§  Involves risk
·      Once you tell someone something you cannot control what they do with it

·      We expect our friends to keep our confidences 

§  1.) Increase self-understanding

§  2.) Helps develop relationship

·      Disclosure-liking

§  3.) Helps manage the impressions we send

§  4.) Catharsis

·      the purging of emotions

·      get it off your chest 

§  Fear of negative judgment

§  Fear abandonment

§  Concern over loss of control

§  Fear of angry attacks 

Emotional - Is the other person emotionally ready to hear what you have to say?

Relevance - Is it relevant to diclose the information?

Situational - Is it the right place or time? 

The onion

Depth -how deep the info is

Breadth - the amount of info

Frequency - how often you disclose 

Valence - the positive or negative 

Open Self- Things we know about ourselves and others do too

Hidden Self- Things we know about ourselves but others don't

Blind self- Things others know about us that we don't 

Unknown self- Things nobody knows about ourselves 

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Verbal communication uses language (both spoken and written) 

Nonverbal transmits meaning without the use of words 

All aspects of the voice are NONverbal except the words we are saying 

More believable 

Ever present in face-to-face situations 

Can enhance or inhibit understanding 

Communicate feelings and attitudes 

Can express what verbal cues can't 

Can be more efficient that nonverbal cues 

Interpreting nonverbal messages 

Ambiguious 

Continuous

Multichanneled

Intentional or Unintentional 

Interpretation is culturally basesd 

Signaling likeness and approach

(high voice, smile, closer proximity) 

Dominance, important, power, authority

(lower voice, stand taller, less gestures)

• Facial Expressions
•     Facial Primacy 
• Oculescics 
•     Funcions of the eye
• Kinesics
• Vocalics
• Olfactics
• Chronemics
• Proxemics
•    use of personal space 
• Haptics 

The face tells us the most about how someone is feeling

(facial primacy) 

Cognitive function - thought process of others

Monitoring function - monitor the behavior of others

Regulatory function - regulate flow of conv.

Expressive function - tells us emotional state

Study of movement and gestures 

(wide degree of culture variation)

Study of the voice 

Clarifies the content of the verbal message

tells us how close people are 

Study of smell

pheromones 

study of touch

communicates intimacy! 

study of time 

communicates importance and power

Use of personal space 

How we use personal space and distance 

NO PDA 

o   Act that “fosters in another persona a belief or understanding with the deceiver considers false” 

o   Falsification

§  We just make something up

o   Omission

§  Leaving out some of the details

§  Not telling the whole truth

o   Exaggeration

§  Embellishment of the facts

o   Equivocation

§  Not answering the question

§  Tip toeing

§  Politician speak

§  Beat around the bush 

o   Partner-focused motives

§  To avoid hurting the other person

§  To help protect

§  To avoid worrying

§  Can be a white lie

o   Self focused reasons

§  Shielding ourselves from embarrassment, harm, criticism

o   Relationship focused

§  Protecting the relationship in some way

§  Reducing conflict

§  The voice

·      Pitch increases

·      Talk faster

§  Speech errors

§  Facial expressions

§  Body movement

·      Self adapter

o   Adjust some aspect of the self

§  The eyes

·      EYE CONTACT IS NOT AN INDICATOR OF LYING

·      People blink more when they lie

                                              Pupils dilate

§  One clue? No clue.

·      Look for multiple cues

§  Context

·      If a person is nervous they can give away the same cues

§  Behavior familiarity

§  55% accuracy   

Othello Error- you make people nervous when you accuse them of lying so they show signs of lying even when they are not

Truth and Deceit Bias - (the boy who cried wolf) past behavior tells us if they are lying or telling the truth