1. Contempt: A feeling that one's spouse is inferior or undesirable

2. Criticism: involves making disapproving judgments or evaluations of one's partner

3. Defensiveness: preparing to defend oneself against what one presumes is an upcoming attack

4. Stonewalling: resistance, refusing to listen to one's partner, particularly to a partner's complaint

5. Belligerence: a behavior that is provocative and challanges the spouce's authority

How many positive comments/actions does it take to make up for a piece of criticism?

Ratio of positive to negative is 5:1

Report: conversation aimed at conveying information (typical of men)

Rapport: speaking to gain or reinforce intimacy

based on unresolved curent and past painful issues.

• negative interpretations/ "unreality"
• escalation
• put downs/invalidation
• aviodance/withdrawal

Problems that partners are unaware of, unable to talk about, or are unwilling to talk about. They reflect the unexpressed needs and feelings that, if not attended to, can cause great damage to your relationship. Has to do with: control and power, recognition, caring, past/present issues, commitment, integrity and acceptance (parent of all hidden issues).

What was the one variable that Gottman found to be predictive of matiral stability and happiness?

The amount of positive affect in the conflict.

1. commitment safety: security of support and a clear future

2. emotional safety: being able to talk openly and support one another

3. personal safety: freedom from fear of physical or emotional harm and intimidation

Congruent: verbal and nonverbal messages agree

Incongruent: verbal and nonverbal messages disagree

The five obstacles to valid hearing.

1. speaker not saying what he/she means

2. incongruent messages

3. "baggage"

4. expectations

5. silence: the silver screen upon which we project our worst fear and best wishes

1. Timing: chosing the best/most appropriate time to talk

2. Not permitting the situation to arise: Why do you aviod the conflict?

• You might have to be intimate in return
• You might be taking on responsibiity for his/her life
• You might hear something about "you" or "us" that you don't want to

• focus on one issue in the here and now
• make it a clearly observable BEHAVIOR
• use "I" statements
• give a rational and an emotion
• provide a way of solving it

What is gunnysacking?

Keeping one's grievances secret while tossing them into an imaginary gunnysack that grows heavier and heavier over time. After a while they can make a mess when they all burst out.

1. not permitting the situation to arise

2. accusation and acrimony

3. shame/blame

4. gunnysacking

5. not letting the person talk fully

(2 and 3 unsure of b/c there was only 3 listed on the ppt slide)

having kids is the "normal" or correct thing to do and that not having kids demands an explaination or justification

• In the past children were seen as economic assets. Now they are economic liabilities and emotional assets.
• Parents raised kids by living with them, providing examples that led them to adult roles. Children used to share the world of adults. Concept of cldhood emerged in the 17th century because of improning conditions and education being available to all.
• Now children need specialized training, guidance and care
• Society doesn't give caregivers much support.

oppportunity costs: the economic opportunities for wage earning and investments that parents forgo when rearing children. Felt mostly by mothers.

• loss of free time
• adds additional work
• emotional costs

Understand the correlation between economic status and number of children people have.

Advantages: aren't overwhelmed, have more free time and are better off financially. Family members shared decisions more equally and the child is more likely to talk to their parents about important issues.

Disadvantages: lack of opportunity to experience sibling relationships. They face more pressure from their parents to succeed.

20% of all women. 7-10% are child-free by choice and the other 10% are for other reasons (problems with fertility)

• Before the first born and after the last child leaves the nest.
• The more children, the less reported hapiness.
• Children stabalize marraige, but diminish its gratification.

• Mother's IQ
• Early pregnancy
• Why? Because the cmbination means you will quickly wind up and stay in poverty

• Highly educated, often involved in careers.
• First borns who often had to take care of young children

*A high # change their mind when they get older*

Children thrive and become more social and independent, but only if it is quality care w/ regard to teacher-child ratios and their training.

permissive, allowing children to set their own limits with little or no parental guidance.

Benefits:Women are able to complete their education and become established in a career. Both sexes remain longer in "emerging adulthood" enjoying a greater deal of personal freedom and ability to concentrate on a career.

Consequences: fertility in men and women decreases as age increases. Older mothers have higher rates of premature/ low weight births, health problems, birth defects, and miscarraige. Many high achieving women end up not having kids because they delay it too long.

Previoulsy, a party seeking divorce had to provide"grounds" or fault for the divorce if both were at fault, the divorce wasn't granted. No-fault Divorce-Parties do not have to prove that one person is at fault.  Either party can have the divorce even if the other does not want it.  Most property settlements are “equitable” (about 50/50.

Although it may not affect marital quality, employment might contribute to divorce by giving an unhappy married woman the economic power, the increased independence, and the self confidence to help her decide on a divorce.

Spouses weigh their marital hapiness against rewards, alternatives to the marraige and barriers to the divorce. Rewards: love, respect, friendship, and good communication. Barriers: Affection, religous views against divorce and economic concerns for children. Alternatives: other options (least important in decisions to divorce).

Emotional Divorce.

• Involves witholding positive emotions and communication. No longer support, but undermine each other's self esteem. Feel profoundly misunderstood, dissapointed and rejected. Invest in other things that lead to parallel lives.

dissolution of marraige by state and court order. Allows for economically seperate lives and possibility to remarry. Attorneys often advocate for their clients rather than looking at the family system.

severed friendships, relationships w/ in-laws and sometimes even members of own family. Partners no longer feel comfortable socializing in the same circle. Relationships with in-laws are more likely to continue with children involved and more likely with women.

It IS a concieded debt, giving up the percieved right to get even and giving up the attitude "you owe me".

It ISN'T forgetting, no consequences, pretending unacceptable behaviors are acceptable, no longer feeling the pain, trust or even reconcilliation.

Reconcilliation= forgiveness and trust

legal custody: who has custody to important info and major decisions of the child. 99.9% have joint legal custody. Exceptions: criminals or just don't care.

Physical custody: where the kid spends most of his time and how involved the parent is in its life. Could be a primary caretaker and the other have visitation rights or joint- when both parents have equal or almost equal time with kids

1. life stress persective: a long stressful event

2. parental loss: having one parent gone is problematic for socialization

3. parental adjustment: interferes with child rearing ("less supportive" and fewer rules)

4. Economic hardship: poor economic conditions following divorce

5. interparental conflict: result of the conflict during the marraige and divorce.

Psychic divorce + forgiveness + cooperative parenting = a good divorce.

-Perfect pals: friends, go to movies, etc. Bad b/c it confuses the child and could lead on a spouse that isn't completely over it.

-cooperative colleagues: civil with them and respectful, but are moving on with own lives.

-angry associates: fight a lot. still have resentment, but are o.k. at other times

-fiery foes: hate eachother, can't be in eachothers presence without a fight or conflict.

Factors influencing instability and higher divorce rate in second marraige.

Many people who divorce in the first place are from lower class, which increases tendency to divorce. People who remarry after divorce are more accepting of divorce. Remarrieds recieve less uspport from family of origin and are less integrated with in-laws. Finally, remarraiges present some special stresses on a couple.

Little difference in marital satisfaction and happiness between first and second marraiges, however there is overall instability with a slightly higher divorce rate becauswe of satisfaction with "family life".

Remarried families have no cultural script to follow. It is an imcomplete institution and it is a normal occurance with no norm to follow.

Stepfamilies of various types, kinship networks and relationships are widely varied, roles are not well defined, family law does not provide protection or guidelines for step family relationships.

Marital quality doesn't vary greatly between first marraiges and single or double marraiges. It is satisfaction with family life because a stepfamily is stressful

Papernow's seven-stage model of step family development.

1. fantasy- expect a smoothe and quick adjustment

2. immersion: tension emerges

3. awareness: realize fantasy isn't reality

4. mobilization: family initiates change

5. action: takes place

6. contact: step parents is significant

7. resolution: step family achieves integration

Financial strains: financial obligation from first marraiges and step parent role ambiguity

Role ambiguity: many uncertainties arise

Step children's hostility: child's lack of desire to see family work

Stepmothers are more stressed, anxious and depressed. They have conflicting role expectations- they want to be close but their role needs to keep their distance until child adjusts.

Stepfathers are more detached and is better for relationship for child. Overall they get along better with children.