1. stressors are in the eyes of the family member. stress is perceptual

2. family stressors are shaped by internal and external contexts -> what ever is going on in and around the family effects them

3. com is at the heart of family stress management. (pursuit of happyness examples: dinosaur in train station, playing bball on roof "dont let anyone tell you that not even me", mom isnt supportive "why dont you be an astronaut")

internal -> relational culture, developed through stories, themes, metaphors, rituals, myths, and conversations

1.family size and structure

2. the personality and cognitvie functions of members

3.previous life experiences of members

4. family members perceptions of the magnitude of the stress

5. the boundaries, rules, patterns of interaction, and available resources present in the family

external ->

1. historical frame: time in history in which the family lives and experiences the stressor (ex: not being able to talk about sex in the 50s but you can in the 60s)

2. economic frame: depends on the economic conditions in the familys community, poverty levels, job market, etc

3. developmental frame: stage of life a family is in when the stressor occurs

4. hereditary frame: genes and health can be stressors, good health removes a stressor and provides strenght to deal with other stressors, adopted children can be stressed by the uncertanty of their genes

5. cultural frame ->culture plays a large role in transmiting values, people value diff things in diff historical periods, culture can aid in management of stress, and can contribute to the familys perceptions of and reactiong to stress

stimuli producing stress reactions (anxiety, overwhelming), the reactions themselves, and the various intervening processes

an event (stressor) that causes change, effects the familys resources, and families view these differently -> all three interact to produce stress, or discomfort within the family system

the event that causes the stress

has the potential to change the family because it disturbs the status quo, actually stress causes depends on magnitude of the event and family's perception

or normative - part of the human developmental process -> birth, death, young adult leaving home or getting married, older adults retiring form the workforce

they cause change and disrupt the status quo but they are expected in the course of family life

those that are unexpected and are the result of some unique set of circumstances for which the family is relatively unprepared

-house burning down, disabling accident, winning the lottery

1. young families -> adjustment to new relationsihips, letting go of old life, kids/marriage? (when), values, learning to live together, inlaws, outside pressures, symbolic baggage from older families (myths, stories and rituals from FOOs)

2. growing families -> parenting styles, financial responsibilities, resistance from kids, moving, multiple kids, learning disability, diff resources for diff kids at diff points in their lives, preschool age, daycare, terrbile twos, realize they are independent and can say no, teenage years, puberty, sex ed, drugs & alcohol, bullying, problem solving, topic avoidance to maintain privacy and boundaries

3. older families -> decisions about retirement, illness, letting go of kids (grandkids), role changes, moving again, making a will, child becomes care taker, raising own kids and paretns, relational role (one retired, one works, one caretaker), romantic stability (keeping love alive, sex! viagara!), siblings (contact goes down in middle adulthood, but up in older age

STRESSFUL: no one plans on getting divorced, 50% of marriages end in divorce

divorce because: social exchange theory (individuals assess whether the relationship is profitable)

considered castastrope: effects more than just spouses (kids, friends, families, communities)

1 million marriages end each year, 1/5th young people live with single parent

predictors: marriage, low marriage age, SES (rich and poor), sexual incompatibiity, parents or siblings divorced, high school drop outs more likely

-sex differences: men handle it better financially than woemn, 90% of kids stay with mom, single moms have about 40% reduction in income in first year

divorce and children: many have a hard time adjusting because all they knew is gone, # of parents could double, restrictions on visitation, two homes, new siblings, siblings become parents, ability to adjust correlated with development and maturity (3 yr old adjusts diff than a 13yr old), lasting effects with kids 9 and older especially if there is great amount of conflict prior to divorce, parents should be open with kids about divorce,

do not know a lot about them, there are ethical issues in collecting data

trouble finding food shelter education health care

called hobo, vagrant, panhandler, bum, etc

why are people homeless: escape abusive relationships, dissability, veterns, financial stability changes, no other family

approx 80% of homeless families are headed by single parents, many are children (500,000), usually females late 20s 2 kids out of work for 4 years,

-we often avoid com about death b/c it scares us, and we think it will bring about death

- we need to do things and talk about things like living wills, people are becomming more accepting of this, but older generations are not

-Dos: make yourself available, let them bring it up, realize that time heals, tell them youre there for them and then actually be there

-Donts: dont avoid mentioning persons name it maks grieving person feel their loved one is unimportant or you are trying to forget them, dont force grieving they will do it on their own time, dont say: you can have another kid, i know exactly how you feel, everything happens for a reason, theyre not suffering anymore

communication that elevates pain (verbal or nonverbal)

Instrumental support: doing task for a person, giving you things, cleaning, lee way

Emotional Support: being there for someone

how do diff families manage stress: humor, argue, ignore, pout, talking, making fun of eachother, partying, family activities, be open, loving, understanding, talk about what-ifs

which are productive, which are unproductive?

each family is diff and has diff needs so you need to find out what works best. must be able to change roles and patterns as time changes, wont be able to use the same pattern forever

usually refers to structure, whether or not the relationhips are intact or not

well-functioning (not necessarily, could be married but fight everyday) the bias is to study non-intact, but what about those that appear to be intact but are not well-functioning

believed: bond between child-parent is stronger, more stable, child can rely on parent more, parents have more time and energy to devote to children, less conflict and stress, more economic and social resources, two incomes, two extended families, have "significant" advantages over non intact families, kids whos parents were still together are more likely to go to college

enduring parental relationships often determine whether family is intact

-secret to marital success:

1. talk about taboo/difficult topics (open and ongoing discussion about everything)

2. frequent and ongoing sex, and discussion about it

3. managing conflict effectively, compromise

4. staying faithful and committed

5. trust

-parents in intact families have more satisfying intimate relationships (affects relationships with kids as well)

-couples ahve history and future together independent from kids, they form coalitions with one another in conflict situations to protect kids and teach them lessons

-71% of children are in families headed by two heterosexual adults

-describe families' tendencies to develop fairly stable and predictive ways of communicating, conversation vs conformity

-predictive of a # of processes and outcomes (# of arguements, level of satisfaction, boundaries are created, self-esteem, self-worth) for families and individuals

-two or more people focusing on and evaluating the same object in their environment and being aware of their shared focus

how can you restore consistency?

·         Coorientation in families: psychological need for consistent cognitions (congruence) and the pragmatic need to correctly predict others behavior (accuracy) leads to agreement, high accuracy, agreement and congruity lead to shared reality, to share a social reality one can conform (socioorientation) or change view on object (concept-orientation)

-important for you to share the same reality b/c it will just keep coming up and escalating, are these issues that important? is this person important enough for you to change?

-converse and understand eachother

BALANCE THEORY – change view, object/you/mom, need to restore consistency)

conditions for sharing a social reality: you change, they change, or both change a little

1. agreement (both of us like kids) -> similarity in attitudes towards object

2. accuracy (I think he likes kids and he actually like kids) -> one persons perceptions of the attitude and the reality

3. congruence (I like kids and i think he likes kids)

4. positive interpersonal realtionship favor congruence

-why is this shared reality (congruence) important?

-decision making is easier, more effective, less conflict,

more congruity=less cognitive dissonance

conformity vs. conversation

-conformity: encourage adhearance, homogeneity of attitudes beliefs and values, uniformity

-high conformity = traditional family types, "I'm the boss because I said so"

-conversation: emphasizes dialouge between family members, open discussion on a wide range of issues

-benefits: higher overall happiness and satisfaction b/c they feel they have input, learn more and increase understanding, exchange of info, problem solving, beneficial to the real world, communication competance

these two orientations interact and result in 4 different family types

1. Consensual Families: up convo, up in conform, value family convo and want to hear what kids have to say, but still expected to conform, kids adopt parents views

2. Pluralistic Families: up convo, low in conform, value covo and become independent and autonomous, open unconstrained convo and parents do no feel the need to control kids, most argumentative, most satisfaction

3. Protective Families: low convo, up conform, conflict is bad, no value in family talk, low satisfaction, tiger mom, parents make decisions

4. Laissez Faire: low convo, low conform, emotionally divorced from family members, parents have low interest in kids decisions, low intimacy, low satisfaction

people who are higher in convo orientation are more likely to friend family on fb

·         Effective conflict management

·         Improved problem solving skills

·         Increased intimacy/closeness

·         Appropriate used of humor/teasing

message from her: conflict (two or three suggestions here), problem solving (two or three suggestions here), expressing intimacy (two or three suggestions).....and so on. If you were going to offer a COMMUNICATION SKILLS training session for families--what would you focus on (reflecting on the entire course)???

get families to talk about all issues in a constructive way without criticizing... make sure all members have a say, all have a voice, have more family time and activities to create intimacy, share stories and daily activities.

-one of the most intimate relationships, huge amounts of self-disclosure, good and bad, say things to your sister you wouldnt say to anyone else

-we say "shes like a sister to me"

-connection and competition -> drive sister relationships

1. proximity -> grow up together

2. shared history and family issues

3. heirarchy -> age, ones the care taker, competition and achievement, attention from parents and boys, grades, sports, clothes, EVERYTHING

-sibling rivalry forms a connection and bond, they reemerge in adulthood

Sibling overview

-80% of people have siblings

-50% of children report differences in parental treatment based on: kids age, personalities, parent experiences, gender, expectations

-more attention to younger child when theyre younger b/c they need more attention, guidance, not as independent

-friends, relationships, maturity levels, extra curricular activities, personality, style, music, tb

-compare their own attributes and achievement (social comparison)

-often receive direct evaluations from their siblings

-teasing - about everything, can be constructive though, affectionate, shows love, playful, we can do it but someone else cant

teasing -> up VA can decrease relationship satisfaction, more VA=less trust, women are more satisfied in sibling realtionship than men, and they tend to report less VA and teasing

1.companionship and emotional services: siblings play with eachother, learn about sharing, cheating, structure, rules, interactions tend to be positive, comfort, recognize emotions, support is important during pre-adolescence and adolescence, 8-16 year olds report that they confide in their siblings during stressful times

2. caretaking: older children, espically the eldest daughter, is more likely to serve as parent substitute, pros: teaches older sibling responsibility, cost sufficient, improves relationship, cons: resent sibling, not knowing when to stop caring

-mothers are more likely to provide help for child w/ older brother, caretaking by older children is more likely in single parent homes, low income families, large families, or family w/ child w/ a dissability

3. direct services: sibling coalitions for managing parents who need to be "managed", gang up on parents, deal w/ abusive or problematic relationships, sibling solidarity goes up when parents are weak, abusive, hostile, or absent. siblings experience an increase in loyalty and sense of support, can also include money, protection, teaching certain skills, toys, clothes