Physical nearness to another.  What is the impact of technology?

Distance SUCKS, and are part of the cost that MUST be factored in

We LIKE people who LIKE us

Desirability = attractiveness x probability of acceptance

Why is this important?  We HATE rejection

We like those who like us

Like attracts like

Demographic similarities, attitudes and values

Opposites don't attract UNLESS:

1.)  Have traits you WISH you had

2.) Dissimilarities fade over time

3.) Complementary traits

Connection

Meaning

Pleasure

Power

NOTE:  All four are needed, but order/priority matters!!

Pleasure Oriented Personality

Vision:

Goal:

Sense of Time:

Value:

By-product:

Vision:  Life is painful, but pleasure makes it worth living

Goal:  Avoid pain and anxiety caused by life

Sense of Time:  In the right moment, get as much as you can while you can

Value:  Defined by the ability to produce pealsurable feelings, objects over people (note on reliability and predictability)

By-Product:  Grielf.  As feelings fade, leads to depression, destructive intensity, self-centeredness

Power-Oriented Personality

Vision:

Goal:

Sense of Time:

Value:

By-Product:

Vision:  Struggle

Goal:  Get as much power as you can and push for what is your definition of "right"

Sense of Time:  Control the movements, make it work for YOU

Value:  Potential for power, status

By-Product:  Blame and fear (others ALWAYS have more)

Understand, honor, and respect each other AND the relationship

Deep friendships

Positive Sentiment Override

Shared Meaning and Purpose

Criticism:  Accusatory

Contempt:  THE WORST!  Gets to the "core" of the person; can be built up from all sorts of issues

Defensiveness: Way of blaming the partner, making THEM responsible for the problem

Stonewalling:  85% of men; at this point, there is no relationship

Part of your brain where you store all the important info about your partner's life

Made cognitive room for relationship

Detailed love map prepares couples to deal with the crap

Intimacy, passion, and commitment

Amount depends on strength of components

Type depends on relation to each other

Eros:  Physical love: Intense

Ludos:  Playing the field:  Uncommitted

Storage:  Slowly developing attachment, leading into deep commitments

Mania:  Demanding, possessive, obsessive

Agape:  Altrusitic, selfless

Pragma:  Logical, practical

Words of Affection:  Verbal compliments

Quality Time:  More than proximity, focus on partner

Receiving Gifts:  Visual symbols of love; meaningful

Acts of Service:  Expression of sacrifice, humility, not centered around praise or credit

Physical touch:  NOT just sex, but what your partner enjoys

Greetings/Salutary recognition throughout the day

Small talk: Avoid hot topics

Ego-buliding comments (praise): about who the partner is/what they do

Exciting activities:  Both enjoy.  Block off time for each other

Expanding shared memories: Catching up on "old times"

Feedback:  Mutual honesty, encouragement, concern

Think about timing; limit to 20-30 minutes.  Discuss things outside relationship

Take turns

Don't give unsolicited advice

Show genuine interest

Communicate over understanding

Take your partner's side

Express a "we versus Them" attitude

exprress affection

Validate emotion

Physical/sexual

emotional

Mental/intellectual

Spiritual

False:  Self-created to avoid pain of REAL intimacy, driven by fantasy, and all about control

Relationship MUST be mutual

Reciprocal empathy

Balance of Power

Healthy Boundaries

Women lessen or match, men who don't accept influence are 81% more likely to divorce

Influence enahnces the positive by strengthening friendship

Becoming an emoitonally intelligent partner leads to benefits, making "house" less harmful

Key to Conflict Resolution

Soften Start-up:  Discussions endo n the same note they begin with.  Describe, not judge, be clear, polite.  Don't bottle up

Make/receive repari attempts: Put on the breaks.  Make attempts obvious, formal to emphasize.  Formality ensures you're using the right words.  Phrases are like megaphones or magnets

Soothe yourself: Mediation/prayer/relaxation

Compromise:  Cannot be close-minded to partner's opinions

Be tolerant of other's faults

Passive:  Pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feeligns, protecting their rights, and id'ing their needs.  Usually born of self-esteem, thinking "I'm not worth taking care of".  Unaware of "build-up" of annoyances.  Prone to explosive outbursts.  

Aggressive:  Individuals express their feelings and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of otehrs.  Also born of low self-esteem.unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.  Try to dominate others, use humiliation of control, criticize or blame, be very impulsive.  

Passive-Aggressive:  Individuals appear passive on surface, but are really acting out in anger in a subtle way.  Usually powerless, stuck and resentful.  Incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentment.  "Walking on eggshells".  Tend to mutter to themselves, rather than confront.  Facial expressions don't match how they feel.  Deny there's a problem.

Assertive:  Individual clearly states opinions/feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights wihtout violating rights of others.  Born of high self-esteem

Stage 1.  Single

Intimacy: Bonding with Self

Commitment:  Showing up consistently in recovery

Skills:  Self awareness through work, care through boundaries, and love through spirituality

Stage 2.  Single and Dating

Intimacy:  Learn about self

Commitment:  Staying true to self and recovery

Complete this phase 6 times before settling in a relationship

Skills.  Holding boundaries, practicing social skills, learning how to move on, have fun!

Stage 3.  Selecting a Partner

Intimacy:  Remains with self

Commitment:  You and your recovery, share with friends and sponsor

Skills:  Self honesty and integrity.  Open to what higher power puts in life.  

Stage 4.  Dating to Relating: 

Intimacy:  includes another person

Commitment:  Still with self, while assess potential partner

Skills:  feel and share, respect and sensitivity for self and others, balance your schedule and relationships

Stage 5.  Committed Relationship

Intimacy:  Deep emotional sharing

Commitment:  Depending on all levels

Skills:  trust, love, negotiate, forgive and forget

Stage 6.  Leaving, Grieving, Healing

Intimacy:  Self, higher power

Commitment:  back to self

Skills:  Grieving, feel what you feel, heal, rediscover self, transforming self